


Triangulum Entangulum Coffee House Emporium

by weelilghost



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-08
Updated: 2015-09-03
Packaged: 2018-03-16 21:46:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3503927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weelilghost/pseuds/weelilghost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dipper Pines is a tired grad student who just needs a coffee. Bill Cipher is a coffee shop employee... and an asshole.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Simple Coffee Run

**Author's Note:**

> I have a weakness for coffee shop AUs, and a sister who led me astray, down the path of BillDip. I apologize for the consequences.

            Triangulum Entangulum Coffee House Emporium was enshrouded in so many layers of irony that no one could truly be sure what the coffee house was going for, besides “different.” It was part hipster haven, part illuminati conspiracy, and served a red eye that was worth all parts of its eccentricities.

            Dipper Pines, over-worked and under-rested grad student, was going to have that drip coffee, double espresso at all costs.

            He made his way through the filled tables, the sea of plaid and oversized glasses, and kept his eyes fixed on the prize. He passed shirts with bands he had not only probably, but had definitely never heard of. In his hand was the exact price of $3.25. In his mind, he rehashed his lines:

_‘Drip coffee... two shots of espresso... medium size... no cream or sugar... drip coffee... two shots of espresso... medium size... no cream or sugar...’_

            He reached the register and began: “Drip coffee, two shots of espresso-“

            “Better make it three, kid. Yikes! You look like you’ve been hit with a cement truck!”

            Thrown for a loop so early in his performance, and without the mental alertness to bounce back, Dipper could only gape at the barista. For his part, the Triangulum Entangulum employee was leaning forward on the counter and grinning at Dipper charmingly, as though he’d just delivered a great pick-up line and not a douche-y insult. He had an undercut all the way around his head and his hair was a bleach-blonde mop on top. His smile was dazzlingly white against his brown skin. He wore a bright yellow button-down shirt with tiny black triangles under his apron, and a skinny black bowtie. On top of this ensemble was a black apron with the company logo – an eye inscribed in a triangle. His nametag read “Bill.”

            “Uhh...” Dipper started to grind out, before he was interrupted again.

            “What size will that be? Might I suggest a large? We could do an extra-large, but hey! You’re a college kid, right? Money doesn’t grow on trees. Maybe a bit much for you budget, eh? If-”

            “Medium!” Dipper injected, cutting off his soliloquy. “ _Thanks._ ”

            “Ah well, your loss. That’s gonna be $4.25,” Bill said, clicking away at the register while maintaining eye-contact with Dipper.

            “$4.25?” Dipper asked, disconcerted by the eye-contact and doing his best to look anywhere else. “But-“

            “You’re _really_ going for just two shots? Fine, kid, but when you slip back to your zombie state in less than an hour, don’t come crying to me!” Bill adjusted the price and held out his hand. Dipper, feeling confused and very, very tired, handed him the cash.

            “What’s the name?” Bill asked, winking.

            “What?”

            “Your name, kid.” Bill held up the medium cup and a sharpie.

            “Oh! Dipper.”

            Bill snorted. “Like the constellation? I’m gonna go with ‘Pine Tree.’” He was already writing it down as he said the words, motioning nonchalantly to Dipper’s hat. Dipper just stared at him.

            “Scoot along now, Pine Tree! There are more customers to serve!”  

            Dipper jumped and awkwardly turned to look at the girl in line behind him, who drummed her fingernails against her arm and smiled a tight smile that said; ‘You are the only obstacle between me and my coffee, and if you don’t remove yourself _I will_.’ Dipper hastily removed himself.

            As he stood by the pick-up counter, leaning against the wall and trying not to fall asleep, he also kept half an eye on the weird barista.

            The barista... Bill... seemed to have a knack for a maintaining a friendly smile with an overbearing jerk routine. Dipper could only suppose the manager had never actually _listened_ to anything this guy was saying, and only observed him from afar. Or maybe insulting the clientele was some ironic hipster-service thing. Or had something to do with government conspiracies. Who could say?

            “PINE TREE! A DOUBLE DRIP FOR PINE TREE?”

            Dipper was startled out of his reverie by an exasperated voice.

            “Sorry! That’s me! I mean, that’s mine!” He blushed as he took his coffee from the glowering girl.

            “Not your fault you didn’t recognize whatever bullshit he called you,” said the girl, who wasn’t paying any attention to Dipper now that he had claimed his coffee, and instead appeared to be attempting to kill Bill through shear force of will. “Not a single name since he started on register. Do you have any idea how frustrating that makes MY part of the job?! I don’t get paid enough for this.” Her voice had lowered to an angry mumble and Dipper laughed nervously as he backed away.

            “Ok, then...!” he made a quick escape out the doors of the emporium and started across the street to his first class of the day.

            ‘ _Well that was something.’_ Dipper thought. ‘ _Too much something. Yes, it was definitely too much something for an early morning before coffee... coffee!’_ With gentle thankfulness and relief, he raised the beverage to his lips and took a sip. And froze.

            Drip coffee... two shots of espresso... medium size... _with cream and sugar._

            With no time left to go back before class, Dipper turned and gazed at the Triangulum Entangulum, raw hurt and offense in his eyes and on his mind but one name:

            _‘Bill.’_

             


	2. Wonder Twins Unite! Sugar and Caffeine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter two contains much dialogue and even more silliness. Although, this *is* a coffeeshop AU. Please do not come expecting much. We will all be disappointed in me.  
> In other news, Mabel Pines is an ethereal goddess, and the love of my life.

The following morning, Dipper woke up extra early and made himself a pot of coffee. Mabel, already awake and cooking breakfast, was impressed.

            “Bro-bro! You’re awake! I’m awake! At the same time!” She put her hand to her forehand and waved her fingers at him. “Mind meld connection! Almost like we’re...!” She gasped, eyes wide.

            “Twiiiiiiiiiiiins~!” Mabel and Dipper chanted at the same time, though Dipper’s voice was decidedly much more exhausted-sounding.

           Mabel laughed, delighted.

            “But seriously, Dipper, what is happening here? The last time you were awake at 5:30, you hadn’t slept! In like 3 days! Should I be calling someone... like a doctor? A psychic? Oprah?”

            “What? No!” Dipper waved off his sister sleepily, as she fluttered excitedly around him. He gave her breakfast a side-eye. “You could save me a couple of those pancakes, though.”

            “Done!” She beamed at him. “I make the pancakes. You make the coffee. Isn’t this fun? This is fun! We should do this everyday!”

            She popped half her stack of pancakes on a plate for Dipper and started to make some more. Dipper poured himself a tumbler of coffee and stared at his twin, bemused.

            “Mabel, how are you so awake? What is your secret?”

            “CONSTANT VIGILENCE!” She said seriously, pounding the counter with her fist, and knocking over the peppershaker.

            “Thank you, Mad-Eye,” he said, in between bites. “So what time do you have class today?”

            “No class for me! Just getting a head start on a beaaaaautiful day!” she sang. “Oh! And I’m going to the gallery this afternoon. Candy is in an exhibit~! It’s called ‘Tea Time Terrors!’ You should come!”

            Dipper choked. The last time he had seen Candy’s art at an exhibit, he’d had nightmares for a week.

            “That’s, uh... that’s really tempting. But I actually have class today.”

            “Boo, OK. Next time!” Mabel sat down beside Dipper, passing him more pancakes, and completing her own renewed stack with powdered sugar and rainbow sprinkles.

            “Yeah. Totally,” Dipper said, rubbing his leg with foot and casting around for a new subject. Nightmares averted for the present.

            “Oh! Mabel! Have you been to Triangulum Entangulum?”

            “Triangle tangles what now?”

            “That weird coffee shop across from campus.”

            “Oh!” Mabel’s eyes lit up, either from recognition or sugar overload, Dipper couldn’t be sure. “Funky name coffee place! I like it there! Great style~”

            Dipper glanced over at Mabel’s purple sweater, emblazoned with a grumpy-looking orange fox saying; “Back in MY day!” He decided not to comment.

            “What about it, bro-bro?” she poked him, and he shook himself.

            “Uh... they gave me a coffee with cream and sugar.”

            “So?”

            “So! I didn’t want cream and sugar! I didn’t ask for cream and sugar!”

            “Aww, sounds to me like they were being nice!” Mabel shook a couple sprinkles onto Dipper’s pancakes, to better demonstrate her point.

            “Mabel, no! What if I had been diabetic? Or lactose-intolerant?”

            Mabel raised her eyebrows at him.

            “I know I’m not either of those things!” he acknowledged. “But I could have been!” Suddenly, Dipper felt excited. This was serious business. “It was my coffee, Mabel! My one coffee!” He was standing now, and took a gulp from his tumbler for emphasis.

            “Oh...kay then, crazy-Dipper,” Mabel drawled out, rolling her eyes, but grinning. “What are you gonna do about it?”

            “Uh... do about it?” he asked, sitting back down awkwardly.

            “Yeah!”

            Dipper took a nervous gulp of his coffee and Mabel took another bite of her rainbow sugar pancakes. She was getting pumped. This was her moment. All their lives, Dipper and Mabel had been there for each other, and university had been no different. Dipper kept Mabel from making _too_ many crazy decisions. And Mabel... she helped push her brother out of his comfort zone and into the world. It appeared a push was in order.

            “Dipper. Dipper, Dip, Dip, Dipper. Dipper. ... Dipper. You’re upset, aren’t you?”

            Mabel pushed aside her plate and stared into her brother’s eyes. Meeting, her gaze, Dipper thought about it. He thought about the cement truck comment. He thought about the nickname ‘Pine Tree.’ And he thought about the sickeningly sweet disappointment of a red-eye with cream and sugar.

            “Yeah... yeah, I am upset!”

            Raising her arm like sailor scout, Mabel pointed at him.

            “You want to make sure the world is safe for all coffee drinkers, including diabetic, lactose-intolerant coffee enthusiasts, right?

            “RIGHT!”

            Blood pounding with caffeine and sugar respectively, at 5:53 in the morning, both Pines twins stood up. On their chairs.

            “COFFEE DRINKING IS A TIME HONORED TRADITION THAT SHOULD BE RESPECTED!”

            “DIABETES AND LACTOSE-INTOLERANCES ARE SERIOUS CONDITIONS THAT OUGHT TO BE CONSIDERED IN REGARDS TO OTHERS’ CONSUPTION!”

            “SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, TWIN O’ MINE?!”

            “I’M GONNA GO TALK TO THAT BARISTA AND TELL HIM THAT HE SHOULD PLEASE CONSIDER OTHER PEOPLE AND BE MORE CAREFUL WITH THEIR ORDERS!”

            “THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT, BRO!” Mabel shouted as Dipper jumped off his chair, grabbed his coffee tumbler, and, with a salute to Mabel, headed out the door.

            Completing her return salute, Mabel climbed down gracefully, and cut a bite of her breakfast. The sprinkles had soaked into the pancake, which was now mottled green, blue, and pink.

            “That’s what I’m talking about,” she grinned, and nodded sagely to the room.


	3. Confronting Injustice (and coming out behind)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow... I was not expecting anyone to actually read this... (laughs nervously.) Thank you so much for the kudos and kind comments! I'll just continue... cranking stuff out, then? (sweats) 
> 
> {So sweet though! Seriously!!! <333 Hope you enjoy the nonsense!}

 

       After a brisk walk, a bus ride, and the completion of his coffee, Dipper felt slightly less like a wronged coffee connoisseur and more like a total dork. Was what had happened to him really so bad as to make a fuss about? He stared up at the unsettling pyramid sign and narrowed his eyes. Yes. Yes, it was.

       One dramatic shoulder roll and neck crack later, he entered the Coffee House Emporium.

       The shop was surprisingly quiet for so early in the morning. There were less people hanging about for “the scene.” In fact, everyone who sat in Triangulum Entangulum now had but one goal: to fill their fragile bodies with as much caffeine as could be reasonably ingested. Perhaps some had over-shot a tad, and were now gently shaking in their chairs, alternating sips of coffee and note taking. Dipper felt better already. These were his people. He could do this.

       Confidently, he approached the counter, where the same barista was languidly slouched, not even attempting to look busy. When he saw Dipper, he immediately perked up.

       “Pine Tree! You came back to see me!” He batted his eyelashes and Dipper was thrown once again for a total loop.

       “What– No! No!” Dipper put his hands up. “I don’t even know you!”

       “Kidding! You came here for a coffee. I get it. This is a coffee house. Everyone comes here for the coffee.” Bill leaned back, and wiggled his eyebrows. “But by the way you’re blushing maybe I wasn’t too far off base. Eh, kid?”

       Dipper’s hands rushed to his face, before he hurriedly put them back down again.

       “I’m not blushing! And I _did_ come here to see you, actually! Not like that!” He added hastily, as Bill _smirked_. “It’s about the coffee I ordered!”

       “You haven’t ordered a coffee, Pine Tree. Believe me, I’d know. I’m paid minimum wage to pay attention to that sort of thing.”

       “I’m actually referring to the one I ordered yesterday,” Dipper said, leaning forward, and pointing intensely down at the counter. “The one that came with cream and sugar... two things which I did _not_ order. And I came here–“ He was picking up steam now, letting the flames of injustice fan his righteous fury. “– I came here to tell you to _please_ consider those whose dietary needs might stipulate they partake in only non-dairy or low-sugar beverages. Whose health might be jeopardized by–“

       “Cute.” Bill interrupted, reaching across the counter and patting Dipper’s hat, knocking the brim over his eyes.

       “EXCUSE ME?” Dipper fumed, his voice cracking in that manly way of his. He was _not_ cute. He was furious.

       “Sorry, kid. I get it,” said Bill, leaning forward to match Dipper’s pose and bringing the two awkwardly close. Dipper straightened hastily and there was a wicked sparkle of glee in Bill’s eyes, though his tone was sickeningly remorseful. “I have been shown the error of my ways. And now, you need recompense. An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth. You will have your cake and eat it, too. I understand. I’ll meet you here when I get off at 5 tonight.”

       “You’ll… what?” asked Dipper, who was still somewhere around revenge clichés and inapplicable proverbs.

       “Tonight. 5 o’clock. I’m gonna make... that one thing that’s got you all upset…” Bill paused and snapped his fingers. “What was it again?”

       “My coffee!”

       “Right! Your coffee. I’m gonna make that up to you.”

       Dipper felt his stomach drop and he swallowed nervously. This man was clearly deranged.

       “Couldn’t you just, like… get me a refund? Or another coffee?” Dipper gently pointed out these sane, alternative options.

       “No. You have shown me the error of my ways. I am a changed man.” Bill closed his eyes and shook his head slowly. “How else am I supposed to demonstrate the full extent of my remorse? Please… leave this to me.”

       Suddenly and without warning Bill reached forward and grabbed Dipper’s hand.

       “Wha–” Dipper managed half a word of protest before Bill had shoved his hand back at him.

       “My number,” he said, winking.

       “Uh… I…” Dipper looked at his hand, then looked back, affronted. “What is this? I can’t even read this!” Not only was the handwriting terrible, but the numbers didn’t look like real numbers. Half of them were squiggly lines, what might be construed as eyes and triangles. He shook his head at Bill. “I think you might be taking this job too seriously.”

       Bill laughed, a surprised, actually real-sounding laugh. “I like you, kid. You’ll figure it out.” He looked slightly over Dipper’s shoulder and Dipper became horrifically aware that _there were other people in line behind him_. Oh god. How long had they been there?!

       Avoiding eye contact with the disgruntled queue, he rushed to escape, his face on fire. Apparently oblivious, Bill called out cheerfully; “See you at five!”

       Hardly thinking of what he was doing, Dipper nodded his head.

 

 


	4. It's a Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wah, sorry it took me so long for such a short chapter. But it was my birthday Wednesday! So you know... had to eat cake... Next chapter should be quicker in coming and longer in reading! :)

 

 

** **

 

**Dialogue inspired by this FANTASTIC drawing of Bill by my darling sister, Mich! Check her out at[ichigomich.tumblr.com](http://www.ichigomich.tumblr.com/)! **

            At 4:55 PM, Dipper paced outside of the Triangulum Entangulum. To an outside observer, he might have appeared to be nervous, but this was not the case. He was, in fact, triumphant. In his hand, he clutched ALL THE ANSWERS. Or at least, the answer of  Bill’s decoded phone number.  

            Dipper had spent the better part of his day worrying over the annoying message on his hand. He had agonized as to what each eye, triangle, squiggle or combination of the three could mean. Dipper was a problem solver. Puzzles were his domain. And yet this simple, 7 digit number eluded him.

            Of course, as he later pointed out to himself, it wasn’t so difficult really. With time to properly go over it all, it wouldn’t have taken him so long. However, as he had a full day of lectures, he had been forced to sneakily work on the code whenever the professor’s back was turned. It was in _Intensive Survey of Archaic and Classical Greek Poetry: Texts and Historical/Archaeological Contexts_ that he finally made his breakthrough.

            “Ah-HA!” He yelled, earning the bewildered stares of his peers and professor. Embarrassed, he attempted to change his shout of triumph to a particularly violent cough, and was unsuccessful. But no matter! He had done it! He had _won_.

            So when Bill _finally_ emerged from the coffee house a minute early, Dipper greeted him with smug exuberance.

            “Look!” he crowed, shoving the paper under Bill’s nose. “I’ve got it!”

            “Whoa, kid!” Bill took the paper and held it at a more reasonable distance from his face. “What am I looking at here? Oh.” He grinned. Bill grabbed Dipper’s hand and gave the paper back, with a wink.

            “This is for you. But it warms my heart to see you were so eager.”

            Dipper’s jaw dropped and he pulled his hand away quickly. “But- the puzzle! I was not eager!” he said vehemently.

            “Sure, kid. That’s why you’ve been pacing outside for the last 10 minutes. _Very_ distracting at the end of a long shift, let me tell you.”

            Dipper blushed and Bill laughed.

            “Alright, Pine Tree, lets go!” He started across the parking lot to a beat up, yellow Saturn. A really, really beat up, yellow Saturn. _‘Wow,’_ thought Dipper. _‘That’s a **lot** of dents.’_

            “You know, when you drive, the point is to avoid hitting things,” Dipper mused, inspecting the front of the car. Bill was searching for something in the passenger’s seat, but Dipper could still hear his muffled snicker.

            “Where’s the fun in that?”

            “Maybe I should drive…” Dipper offered half-heartedly.

            “Ha!” Bill laughed, emerging from the car with a black vest in one hand, and a skinny, ridiculous-looking top hat in the other. “Oh. And we aren’t driving. We’re walking,” he said offhandedly, as he slid into the vest and adjusted his bowtie in the side mirror.

            “Alright!” He placed the top hat on his head jauntily. “Let’s go.”

            He started away but Dipper didn’t move.

            “... yeah, are we just gonna ignore your weird outfit choice, there?” Dipper crossed his arms, grinning.

            “What?” Bill stopped, turning back. “ _My_ outfit choice? Look at you!”

            Dipper gazed down at his hoodie and jeans. “This is normal!”

            “And _this_ is dressing _well_.” Bill winked at Dipper, and Dipper groaned. _How was he losing this argument?!_

            “But your hat!”

            “What about it?”

            “It’s so…” Dipper gestured at it vaguely, at a loss for words.

            Bill frowned. “You’re allowed to wear _your_ stupid hat,” he pointed out, both literally and figuratively.

            “My hat’s not stupid!”

            “Neither is mine! Now let’s go Pine Tree, we’re wasting daylight here!” Bill started off down the street and this time, Dipper followed him.

 -------------------------

             “Where are we going anyway?” asked Dipper, as they finally agreed to stop arguing about hats after a heated fifteen-minute discussion.

            “It’s a surprise~!” said Bill, tilting his head to the side in a way that might have been cute and was definitely irritating. “But we’re almost there.”

            Dipper looked around. They were in a nice part of town. With legitimate sit-down restaurants where swanky business people met for expensive steak and wine dinners. Oh no.

            _The phone number… the winking… this wasn’t about the coffee. This wasn’t about the coffee **at all**._

            “Is this… is this a date?” Dipper asked, horrified.

            Bill turned to him and his grin was gigantic. “Why Pine Tree! Thank you for noticing~!”

 

 


	5. The braised pork is NOT recommended

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again you darlings, for the kind comments and for reading!  
> You fill my heart with happiness~ <3

            Dipper felt numb. He had somehow managed to walk down the street, into a restaurant, sat down, and ordered, all without being consciously aware of doing so. Had he ordered? He wasn’t completely sure, but he did have a beer in front of him and Bill was nonchalantly sipping at his cosmopolitan with only the tiniest hint of a smirk.

            Bill. With whom he was on a date. A date with Bill. He, Dipper Pines, was currently _on a date_ with Bill… uh…

            “What’s your last name?” he blurted out.

            “Cipher,” Bill replied, without missing a beat, as though long silences broken by random questions were the only way to go about a chat.

            “Oh,” Dipper said lamely. _Whelp_. That was about the extent of how far he had thought into the conversation.

            Bill, however, was on his game.

            “So… Pine Tree… tell me about yourself.” He swirled his red drink with a practiced hand.

_‘Ah,’_ thought Dipper. _‘Here’s safe ground.’_ Time to bring up something that he had forgotten thus far to shoot down. As in, that stupid nickname.

            “Well… my _name_ is Dipper,” Bill nodded. “-Pines.” Bill spat out his drink.

            “You’re JOKING,” he coughed out, half-laughing, half-dying. Dipper wasn’t sure whether he should help him or hurt him. He took the middle ground and stared, affronted.

            “What? What’s wrong with my name?” Dipper crossed his arms.

            “You… _Pines_ … the hat… _Pine Tree_ …” Bill wheezed, clutching his sides. Then he sat up straight, quickly composing himself. “Nothing is wrong with it. It’s perfect,” he said, and wiped a tear from his eye.

            Dipper was not mollified.  

            “Cipher is way weirder,” Dipper pointed out, disgruntled.

            Bill raised an eyebrow. “Maybe so. But you don’t see me wearing hat with code on it, do you?”

            “You literally _just_ gave me your phone number in code. **_Today_** ,” Dipper threw his arms up in disgust.

            “... fair play,” Bill conceded, with a nod.

            Their waiter, a poised man in his late thirties who was carefully _not_ judging their theatrical conversation, moved in.

            “Excuse me, gentlemen, but have you selected your courses for dinner this evening?”

            “What would you recommend?” Bill asked, tilting his head to the side.

            “The braised-” The waiter began, with the easy flow of a oft-recited script.

            “Nevermind, forget I asked,” Bill interrupted, waving his hand. “I’ll have the penne. And you?” He turned to Dipper who was staring, horrified, before he jumped to the (attempted) rescue.

            “The… sorry… what were you recommending? The braised… uh… yeah I’ll have that,” he stuttered out, trying desperately to appease the waiter. His efforts were met with a curt nod, before the man turned and left without a word.

            “What was that?” he hissed at Bill, who looked at him uncomprehendingly.

            “What?”

            “That!” Dipper moaned, and rested his forehead to the table. “That was so rude. Oh my god.”

            “He wasn’t even making a real recommendation. I was saving him the trouble.”

            “You _work_ in the service industry!! Don’t you say things you don’t really mean?”

            “Yeah. _Have a nice day_ ,” Bill paused. “Hmm… I guess I don’t really say that. Uh. _Thank you for your business?_ Nah.”

            Bill tapped his chin, thinking, then beamed at Dipper. “I guess I am just completely genuine!”

            Once again, Dipper felt the need to re-acquaint his forehead with the table.

            “So… Dipper _Pines_ …” Bill snickered and Dipper turned his head just enough to glare up at him. “Any more to you than just a name?”

            Dipper raised himself back up to a sitting position (sullenly slouched, to continue to show his disapproval) and considered.

            “Well. I’m an Archaeology major. I have a twin sister, Mabel. I ate my shirt once when I was really tired. I like to tr-“

            “Sorry, what was that last one?” Bill asked, leaning in with a grin.

            “WHOA. Nope! Forget that last bit... ah, what- what about you?” Dipper rushed out, trying to nonchalantly lean on his elbow and missing. _He really needed to pay more attention to what was coming out of his mouth._ Bill looked completely delighted, however, and was cheerfully staying on the subject.

            “Well, I for one don’t usually eat shirts when I’m tired, but hey! To each their own!”

            “Please... I didn’t... I don’t...” Dipper tried to salvage his dignity, but Bill was having none of it.

            “Sorry about the lack of shirts on the menu. But maybe you’re well rested? What’s your favorite choice when you’ve had a decent night sleep? Well-pressed ties? Socks?”

            “Wow, you’re kind of the worst. Remind to keep my mouth shut, thanks,” Dipper sighed, pulling his hat over his eyes.

            “This talk is making you hungry?” Bill asked, sympathetically putting a hand on Dipper’s shoulder. “Ah! Perfect timing! Food’s here!” He said, leaning away as Dipper pushed his hat up to thank their poor waiter.

            This time, however, their food was brought by a new waitress.

            “May I get you gentlemen anything else?” she asked politely.

            “Yeah. I’ll take another cosmo. Hopefully someone back there can make it at least halfway decent this time?” Bill said to the waitress dismissively, already starting on his food.

            “I’m fine!” Dipper squeaked out apologetically, as the waitress turned and walked away.

            “Not bad!” Bill said, gesturing to his penne.

            “You’re terrible,” Dipper glared at him. Bill just motioned to the braised pork in front of Dipper.

            “How’s yours?”

            “Oh…” Dipper tried it, and pulled a face. “Actually, pork’s not really my thing.”

            Bill sighed and made a dramatic waving motion with his hand. Dipper stared at him.

            “What?”

            “Go on. Switch,” Bill said, shaking his head in a defeated manner. Dipper continued to stare. Bill, sensing a lack of movement, went ahead and rearranged the plates himself, placing the penne in front of Dipper and taking the pork for himself.

            “But-” Dipper started to protest, but Bill just put up his hand.

            “You didn’t really want this, Pine Tree. Plus, the penne is actually _good_.”

            “Yeah, but then you-” Dipper started again, and Bill leaned forward putting his hand over Dipper’s lips.

            “Eat the penne,” he said, glaring at Dipper.

            Glaring back, Dipper took a bite. Then raised his eyebrows.

            “This is really good,” he said, nodding to pasta. Then he turned at looked up at Bill guiltily. “We could share?”

            “Nah, I’m fine,” Bill said, smiling at Dipper. “Enjoy.”

            Dipper couldn’t help it. He smiled back.

            The waitress returned with the cosmopolitan, and placed in front of Bill with pursed lips. As she was walking away, Bill called to her: “The braised pork is awful, by the way! Be sure to thank our other waiter for the shit recommendation!”

            As he turned back to Dipper, utterly serene, Dipper considered whether or not it was possible to die from embarrassment, and how much more his body could take.

 

 

 

           

 

 

 


	6. Hiking is for chumps

          After dinner (which Bill insisted on paying for and for which Dipper insisted on leaving a generous tip) the pair started off down the street again. Dipper had, of course, intensely questioned where they were going. Bill had replied with such smug avoidances and so _much_ eyebrow wiggling that Dipper had given up and just decided to go along with the surprise.

          He couldn’t help but notice, however, when they reached the edge of town.

          “So… do you usually lull your victims into a false sense of security with dinner and drinks before you take them into the woods? Or should I feel special?”

          Bill laughed. Hard. And for slightly too long.

           _Well, that’s not creepy at all._ Just at the point where Dipper was planning his escape route, Bill reigned it in.

          “Heh heh! Oh, Pine Tree! Heh. No, you should… hehehe! You _should_ feel special.”

          “Great,” Dipper deadpanned, as they walked under the trees. It was pretty dark out at this point and would have been slightly eerie if he hadn't spent so much of his free time exploring the woods, both alone and with Mabel when they could go together. But Bill had clearly put his time in too, and soon they were heading through a part Dipper didn't recognize, at least at night.

          “So you like hiking?” Dipper asked, as they started up a slight slope.

          “No,” Bill said, pulling a face. “That sounds terrible.”

          Dipper stared at him, then gestured to the woods around him, as though perhaps the trees could offer some sane explanation.

          Bill smirked. “Exploring a forest for your own curiosity and potential benefit? Now _that_ I can get behind. But hiking for the sake of hiking? Count me out.”

          “That actually… makes sense,” Dipper said, surprised to be agreeing. He narrowed his eyes in suspicion. “What exactly are these potential benefits?”

          “Places to hide dead bodies,” Bill responded swiftly and with a solemn nod.

“I kid, I kid!” He added, laughing, as Dipper began to slowly back away. “For places like this, actually.”

          Bill motioned him forward, and Dipper brushed aside the hanging willow leaves to reveal a small clearing, a round circle of open air in the middle of the dense woods.

          The grass was a shimmering grey in the moonlight and the dark, swaying columns of the trees whispered sweetly in the wind.

          Dipper moved forward in a trance.

          “ _Wow_ ,” he breathed finally, staring up at the sky. “This is amazin-OOF!”

          He fell gracelessly as Bill, who was already lying down, grabbed his hand and pulled him to the ground.

          “You wanna see it from here,” he said, laughing slightly.

          Rubbing his no-doubt bruising elbow, Dipper grumbled half-heartedly as he lay on his back and stared up at the stars.

          “That’s Andromeda,” Bill pointed, tracing the celestial image of boastful Cassiopeia's daughter. “And Gemini.”

          Dipper grinned up at his favorite constellation. Castor and Pollux were especially bright, and he made a mental note to mention it to Mabel, who always considered it a lucky sign.

          “And there you are!” Bill pointed and Dipper didn't even have to follow his finger to know he was pointing to the asterism known as The Big Dipper.

          He turned to Bill to give a smart-ass retort and was distracted by how _different_ Bill looked. His face was serene and his mouth was curved in a tiny, happy smile as opposed to his usual smirk. As Dipper stared at him, Bill turned and met his gaze.

          “What are you looking at, Pine Tree?” he asked, smile curling a bit more mischievously.

          “Nothing!” Dipper replied smoothly, his face heating up as he whipped his head back towards the stars.

          There was a slight chuckle but it appeared Bill felt no need to tease (for once) and they lay there in comfortable silence staring up at the sky. Dipper unconsciously picked at the grass by his side. Bill had his hands folded on his chest and Dipper, who taking great pains to avoid staring at Bill’s face, was instead glancing at his brown fingers twined together. They were long and slender, ‘ _like a pianist’s.’_

          Bill shifted forward and Dipper quickly flicked his eyes skyward. He could only detect the movement from the corner of his eye, and he jumped when he felt Bill’s hand brush with his. But Bill reached past, and plucked a flower which was growing close by.

          Both sitting up, Bill held out the flower to Dipper. With a tilt of his head, he gestured to the clearing.

          “Do you like it?” Bill asked, smiling, but with something below the surface that might almost have been nerves.

          Heart pounding for reasons Dipper was determinedly unaware, he took the flower.

          “It’s great,” he said, and he smiled too.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long delay... and thanks for reading~! So many nice comments...<3  
> Two to go!


	7. How to Avoid Feelings and Confessions (Without Success)

            When the door to the apartment opened and closed without any of the customary shouts of greeting, Mabel was slightly intrigued. By the time Dipper shuffled across the room, slung himself over the couch, and groaned into the cushions, Mabel was positively beside herself with curiosity.

            Recognizing that her twin was in a state of “the feels,” she approached him delicately.

            “DIPPER!!! WHY YOU ACKIN’ SO CRAY-CRAY?!” she shouted, flinging herself on top of her brother and effectively smothering him.

            “Mhmmm-hmphhh!” Dipper responded, using the last remaining gulp of air that he had left in his lungs.

            Mabel adjusted slightly, so as not to murder her brother but to still pin him down.

            She needed answers.

            “What’s going on~?” she trilled, poking him in the ribs.

            Dipper groaned again.

            “Nothing? What in the world would make you think something is going on? Nothing at all is going on! This is the least going that on has ever been,” he said, looking determinedly away.

            “Dipper,” Mabel said seriously, staring intensely at her brother until he was forced to meet her gaze. “I _will_ get this out of you. Now, we can do this the easy way or the hard way.

            "Or we could do it no way, at all… ever."

            "Bro,” she said, eyes drilling holes straight through his eyes into her dear twin’s heart.

            "Ugh, Mabel, can you please just let this go?" He gave his best puppy dog face, a last resort.

            "Only when you stop being a big baby and tell me~!" Mabel grinned again, jabbing Dipper in the side causing him to jerk away.

            “Alright, alright!” he conceded, raising his arms in defeat. He took a deep breath.

             _“Ijusthadadatewiththecoffeehouseguy,”_ he let out in low mumble.

            “I seem to be having some trouble hearing you,” Mabel said serenely, punching him in the gut.

            “I HAD A DATE WITH THE COFFEE HOUSE GUY!” Dipper shouted, protecting his bruised and battered body.

            “GET OUTTA TOWN!” Mabel shouted back. She slapped her brother’s back, and knocked him off the couch.

            “Mabel! I’m complying! Why is there is still violence?”

            “That was EXCITED violence, bro-bro! It’s different. It comes with love. Now tell me more!!” She made a face. “Such as… who is this guy? When were you going on a date? Why am I only hearing about this now?!!”

            Mabel flipped herself upside down on the couch, making her grin look like a grimace. “You’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do.”

            Dipper sighed, and leaned next to his sister.

            “You remember the coffee, right?”

            “You mean your early morning spaz attack?”

            “Ye- No! That was legitimate! Righteous fury. Anyway. I went back and confronted him.

            So he offered to take me to dinner. I didn’t realize it was a date -”

            “Diiiiiipper, how did you MISS that? That is TEXTBOOK date-talk right there!” Mabel gestured enthusiastically, and he shifted a little to avoid any more “excited violence.”

            “I was distracted! There was code and things! It was all very confusing!”

            “Ok, move along, buddy. Let’s get to the good stuff.”

            “We went to dinner. And star gazing,” Dipper intoned monotonously.

            Mabel gasped.

            “That is the cutest thing. I have ever heard.”

            “Mabel! It was _**not**_   the cutest thing! He was a jerk!” He jumped up and started pacing the room, ticking grievances off his fingers. “He was horrible to the waiters, he never stopped making fun of me, he might bury bodies in the woods-”

            “Yeah, that last one? Let’s rewind here.”

            “And his dumb hat!” Dipper continued, ignoring Mabel. “Which goes with that stupid smirk. And what with penne, and the stars, and his hands…”

            “Dipper!” Mabel leapt up and put her hands on Dipper’s cheeks, squishing his mouth. “You really like this guy!”

            Dipper made what would have been a pout if his face wasn’t currently being forced to look like a fish.

            “I don’t!” He said petulantly.

            “You looooooove him?” Mabel gasped, falling to the  in a melodramatic swoon. Dipper remained unconcerned for his sister’s wellbeing.

            “No!” He barked back, before sitting down on the couch.

            “Besides…” he said, shrugging. “He might not even like me!”

            “What?” Mabel quickly made a miraculous recovery from her fainting spell and joined her brother on the couch. “Of course he likes you, dumb-dumb! What are these crazy words coming out of your mouth?! Why would you think that?”

            Dipper turned a deep, incandescent red. “No… there wasn’t… we didn’t…”

            “YOU WANNA KISS HIM!” Mabel screamed joyfully.

            “NO!” Dipper shouted back, covering his sister’s mouth.

            “You’re sad he didn’t kiiiiiiiiss you!” She giggled, squirming out of reach.

            “But he would have, right?” Dipper asked with a quick glance at his sister before maintaining an intense stare with the floor. “If he liked me… so maybe he doesn’t.”

            “Orrrrrrrrrrrrr maybe he’s SHY? Or being a GENTLEMAN?” Mabel rolled her eyes. Once again, it was clear to her that Dipper needed a prod to get the ball rolling.

            “You know what to do, right? The way you can know for sure?”

            “No?” Dipper asked hesitantly. He thought he might not want to know the answer.

            However, after looking at Mabel’s expression of pure glee, he was _sure_ he didn’t want to know. But he was also sure that she was about to convince him, whether he wanted it or not.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am... so... sorry.   
> It's been a bit. One more chapter and then RESOLUTION. Heh.  
> Thanks for stickin' around~~~


	8. The Finale

Dipper was sick. He knew this had to be the case, because his stomach was in knots and his palms were sweaty and he all he really wanted to find a cool, dark, secluded place to lie down. And yet, somehow, he found himself back _once again_ inside the Triangulum Entangulum Coffee House Emporium.

No… not somehow. He knew _exactly_ how he got there.

Each twin had gone to their vice of choice… Mabel had eaten some gummy worms, two chocolate bars, an ice cream sandwich, a package of Bertie Botts Every Flavored Beans (popcorn with grass was her personal favorite combination,) and one packet of _Smile Dip._ Dipper had made and drank a pot of coffee so strong it was almost a solid. And, while they imbibed their wonderful-yet-terrible elixirs, Mabel had devised a master plan. Which was, actually, pretty simple.

           “JUST ASSSSK HIM HOW HEEEEE FEELS!” Mabel had shouted, somehow to the tune of “Don’t Start Unbelieving.”   

And for some reason, with right mix of caffeine and emotion, that had sounded like a _great_ idea.

           So here he was. Coming down from a caffeine high and feeling sick. Was that the coffee messing up his stomach? Maybe he needed some more! Yeah. Maybe he’d go to the counter, just for a cup of joe.

           He had managed thus far to look everywhere _but_ the front of the shop, and was struck once again by the strangeness of the décor. Seriously. Who decorated this place? If the staring eyeballs weren’t too much, the framed internet conspiracy plots and aggressively chill hipsters definitely threw it over the edge.

           He had to admit, reading the fourth poster – which explained how aliens had in fact been behind both the moon landing and the success of the pop sensation group, “BABBA” – he was stalling. It’s was truly amazing how long you could avoid the front counter of a coffee shop. He took a deep breath, and started resolutely to the front. And stopped. There was no self-satisfied smirk leering at him from the counter. Bill wasn’t even there.

           “Where is the justice?” He demanded to the cashier, who seemed to understand that this was a rhetorical question, and stared at him with the dead eyed look of someone who is not paid enough to deal with crazy.

           “Yoo hoo~” trilled a voice from the back, followed by the appearance of Bill Cipher, carrying a picture and a hammer. “Looking for something… or someone?” He grinned.

           “Nope. Just leaving,” Dipper said, making a brisk about-face and attempting a quick getaway.

           “Not so fast. Pine Tree.”

           Dipper’s legs, thus far dutiful and loyal, betrayed him and he stopped moving. He turned back slowly and completely against the whirling sirens in his head, which screamed _“Abort! Abort!”_

           “One drip coffee, two shots expresso, medium size,” Bill said off-hand to the girl at the counter. “And it’s probably best to skip the cream and sugar.” He winked at Dipper.  
           With as much annoyance and loathing as one can express silently, the girl filled up the cup and passed it to Dipper, who mumbled an embarrassed “thank you.”

           “So now…” Bill put his hand on Dipper’s back, and led him gently to the side of the shop. “What brings you here?”

           Dipper took a quick assessment. He could play it cool, which had succeeded approximately 0 times in his young life. He could make a run for the door, hope he escaped before Bill caught him, and spend the rest of his life as a hermit in the woods of Gravity Falls. Or…

           “I sort of came to see you.”

           Bill, who had been staring at Dipper intently, suddenly coughed.

“Oh… really?” he asked, apparently completely absorbed in dusting off the pristine picture he was carrying. He turned away to put it on the wall, but not before Dipper caught an embarrassed smile cross Bill’s face.

           “Yes. I – what…” Dipper stuttered, utterly derailed, as he stared at the picture Bill had put up. It was of a floating pyramid with one eye, with tiny little stick arms and legs, wearing a bowtie and top hat. Besides this, there was only three words, in bold font: **BUY GOLD, BYE!**

           “What is that?” he asked.

           “Sound advice,” Bill replied, patting the frame fondly. “You were saying?”

           “Oh,” Dipper took his eyes from the bizarre picture to the man in front of him. Bill was back to staring intensely, and perhaps a little expectantly. His mop of hair was in complete disarray and his yellow and black ensemble continued to look absolutely ridiculous. Dipper thought Bill might be one of the most attractive people he had ever seen.

           “I came to ask you… if…” he paused, thinking.

           “Come on, Pine Tree, you’re killing me here,” Bill laughed, and raked his fingers through his hair. “I barely bite.” The delivery was mocking, but he looked nervous.

           Dipper grinned and for once Bill was the one thrown for a loop.

           “What? What are-“

           Bill was cut off as Dipper reached up and pressed his lips to Bill’s.

           “That’s what I came for,” he declared, a bit triumphantly as Bill blinked. “Er… if that’s ok…” he added, bravado disappearing quickly as his brain caught up to what his body had done.

           Shaking his head gently, Bill laughed.

           “I think,” he said, leaning towards Dipper. “It’ll be just fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it folks. Thanks for sticking with it, and I hope you enjoyed yourselves!   
> To Mich - thank you the most. I hope you liked it. You are the best<3


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